Book : Bright Lights, Big Ass A Self-indulgent, Surly,...

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Jen Lancaster hates to burst your happy little bubble, but life in the big city isnt all its cracked up to be. Contrary to what you see on TV and in the movies, most urbanites arent party-hopping in slinky dresses and strappy stilettos. But lucky for us, Lancaster knows how to make the life of the lower crust mercilessly funny and infinitely entertaining. Whether shes reporting rude neighbors to Homeland Security, harboring a crush on her grocery store clerk, or fighting-and losing-the Battle of the Stairmaster- Lancaster explores how silly, strange, and not-so-fabulous real city living can be. And if anyone doesnt like it, they can kiss her big, fat, pink, puffy down parka. From Publishers Weekly Lancaster (Bitter Is the New Black) is a plus-sized, downwardly mobile Republican. She makes fun of disabled people. She cracks nasty about Anna Nicole Smith (granted, she was still alive at the time). She annotates her text with footnotes cheering herself on. When shes feeling particularly mean, she writes in her own pidgin Spanish. But in spite of all her politically incorrect rantings, there are times when Lancaster is just too on-target to ignore. People who worry about Bush imposing the Christian lifestyle on everyone, for instance, should take heart from how hes raised his daughters-those twins are but a Jell-O shot away from starring in the presidential edition of Girls Gone Wild. Even if readers cant altogether sympathize when Lancaster has to downscale her shopping Holy Trinity from Bloomingdales, Nordstrom and Neiman Marcus to IKEA, Target and Trader Joes-they know what she means when she talks about the relentlessly cheerful sales staff at Trader Joes, the tough-love staff at Target or how IKEAs going to take over America by keeping us all busy with Allen wrenches. Her humor is a bit like junk food-something you can enjoy when no one is looking. (May) Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved. About the Author Jen Lancaster is the author of Bitter is the New Black. She has lived in Chicago for ten years with her husband and pets, and has yet to get the hang of the subway or returning library books in a timely manner. Visit jennsylvania Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved. In my former, auspicious career I addressed crowds ofthousands without breaking a sweat. I negotiated withdour, gray-suited hospital administrators so hostilethey’d drag me into the desert and leave me for dead given theopportunity, yet I stood my ground in demanding they acceptmy company’s contract, “Or else.” And I’ve guided corporateexecutives through the most dire of crises with a smile on myface the entire time. So you’d think chatting with a kindlymedical professional in the privacy of her office wouldn’t bebut a blip on my radar.And that would be true.If I were wearing pants.Today I’ve got an appointment with the girlie doctor andI’m nothing less than terrified. I’ve put off my annual wellwomanexam for four years because I’m so cowardly aboutthis sort of thing, no doubt stemming from my Quaker-likesense of modesty. Sure, it’s all well and good to litter myconversations with every variety of f-bomb, but when itcomes to showing my unmentionables to a complete stranger?Regardless of her impeccable medical education, extensiveexperience, and board certification? I think not.However, I’m really trying to act more like an adult lately, so I force myself to make the appointment. Of course, I haveto down a whole bottle3 of wine to do so. And then I cancel itthree times before Fletch, disgusted by my lack of courage,threatens to (a) drag me to the appointment on a leash like wehave to when we take Loki to the vet to have his nails clipped,and (b) check me into the Betty Ford Center if I don’t stop inhalingboxed wine every time I look at the phone.I have to honor the appointment this time and the onlyway that
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